CORPORATE GRAVE ROBBERS FROM CANADA

Muscatine: A very large and notorious corporation from another country is rumored to be considering the aquisition of a parcel of land which contains an old country cemetery. At the time of this reporting the most often heard accusation is that the insensitive corporation plans to enlarge its plant and will merely disinter the bodies to relocate them elsewhere. Disgusting enough, but hardly unusual in cases of corporate greed superseding moral decency. An anonymous source, however, has leaked a memo to our magazine which makes the Texaco racism scandal look like a Sunday morning cartoon show.

     This company, which we have been advised by our legal staff to never publicly name (we can imply that the acronym it goes by has no significance in the English language, though if spoken beneath the inverted apex of a pentacle at midnight on April 30th will conjure forth a demonic entity commonly associated with metallurgy and corruption), has deep rooted connections with the occult and a long history of antagonistic relations with labor. We know that several of its plants have been closed down rather than unionize when its employees complain of having to work inhuman hours in deplorable conditions.

     It seems that the corporate elite of this foreign interest have found the solution to their labor force problems. The memo provided to us indicates that a bokor , or Vodoun sorcerer has been recruited for employment by the industrial giant. Along with the memo are requisition orders for large quantities of bufogenin and bufotoxin, compounds fifty to one hundred times more potent than digitalis, and bufotenine a hallucinogen. All these chemicals come from only one source, and that is the bouga toad. The company is also purchasing large amounts of millipedes, tarantulas, white tree frogs, four types of puffer fish, tcha-tcha seeds, consigne seeds, leaves from the pomme cajou tree, and other supplies. The toad extracts and other ingredients are all vital to creating a compound used in the creation of zombies! The company plans to acquire the cemetery and begin to create a work force of undead slaves who will work under any conditions and for no wage at all. Not even death would release them from their unending labor. Traditionally, zombies work in the field, but there is no reason to believe they would be unsuitable for factory work.

     We advise all those who live in the Muscatine area to make their own investigations into this matter and organize an effort to keep any company, whether Canadian or American, from attempting to cut costs by using dead people as a labor force. Contact your elected officials now and voice your concern that tax dollars are being spent to facilitate the dumping of toxic chemicals into the air and water which might cause injury to the living and unrest to the sleeping dead. There is no danger to the public from the zombies themselves, other than losing your job to one. The real danger is that the bodies in the tiny cemetery will certainly not be enough to man all the workstations at this evil enterprise. Everyone in that county is in danger of becoming a zombie themselves, rising up again to punch a time clock in a corporate sweatshop instead of enjoying the peaceful rest after a life well lived. Haitians guard against this fate by "killing" their dead twice. Stabbing the corpse of a loved one in the heart or decapitating it soon after death are considered reliable preventatives for zombism.