National Guard Ignores Student Protests

     The protests began Friday morning when radical elements, many afilliated with the student politcal organization, "Students Advocating Soviet Stalinism", marched from Kelly Hall to the Central Cafeteria and Kwik -Mart, and there held a rally and speaker's forum. Spokesperson for the student protestors, Hilton Engels, read for three and a half hours from his group's "manifesto", saying:

     "Or", Engels added in an impromptu aside, "we shall be forced to destroy all of this rotten, right-wing reactionary campus!"

     By the time Engels finished speaking, most of the local media had left the area. It was then that the students invaded the cafeteria and barricaded themselves inside the dinning hall.

     Local authorities were quick to respond to the crisis. Emmetsburg Police Chief, "Spike" Panzerkeil, dispatched officers to the site of the disturbance. Law enforcement officials on-scene determined that the small size of the local police force was insufficient to deal with the demonstration.

     "Yep, there was just too many of 'em for us," said Panzerkeil. "All the County guys was over at the Annual Spudfest Potato Harvest Party at the lake, and the State Patrol was still directing traffic at the Iowa/Iowa State Game. So we called in the National Guard."

     In response, at 12:45, the Headquarters Troop, 113th Cavalry, Iowa National Guard arrived on the outskirts of Emmetsburg.

     "It's a good thing we were at the Palo Alto County Fairgrounds doing the Horse Show," said Troop Commander Captain Hans Lighthooves, U.S. Army. Captain Lighthooves went on to blame the slowness of his unit's response on recent Defense Department cutbacks. "Because of recent budget cuts and the bickering of Congress and the president, we didn't have anyone to saddle our horses."

     They were intercepted on the outskirts of town by a panicked Mayor Lewats. "I'm sure glad you people came," the Mayor was quoted as saying. "We need you over at Spudfest to publicize our Sesquicentenial Hoe-Down and rondesvouz at Dragoon Park."

     "What in hell's a dragoon?" Captain Lighthooves replied.

     Asked about the protestors barricaded on campus, the mayor dismissed the issue, "When they learn to handle themselves like adults, they can come to Spudfest, too."

     The Mayor's wife, Mrs. Bovinia Lewats was clearly enraged with her husband's invitation, complaining. "They won't have enough potato salad left for me!"

     University of Emmetsburg Acting Assistant Vice-President Pro-Tem, Neville Angsturm was interviewed on his way to the autumn festival.

     "I am fully confident that we will have more than enough adult beverages at Spudfest this year and avert repeating last year's tragic riot. Please visit our community and our campus."

     When questioned further on the students barricaded in dining hall and their demands, he replied tersely, "No comment," and sped away to Spudfest in an escorted limosine.

     Emmetsburg police officer Angelo O'Malley, who was on duty throughout the day keeping a watchful eye on the barricaded students, was clearly unimpresed by the efforts of the demonstrators. "They kept comin' out in small groups, asking me for spare change, so they could play the new video games in the Kwik-Mart," he reported.

     As the day wore on, protesters became more and more discouraged by the lack of official response to their protest. By six p.m., most had left the building, trailing their "Stop Government Testing at Black 11" banners for the more salubrious clime of the festival at the lake.

     A noticeably distraught Hilton Engels, the self-appointed leader of the protest, complained, "The Mayor had no right to divert the Imperialist soldier-cossacks of the National Guard away from My rendezvous with Destiny! I DEMAND they use violence to get us out! You must call the media back! We can still have a tragedy for the six o'clock news! The whole world wants to watch!"

     In a related incident, the Mayor's wife, Mrs. Bovinia Lewats, collapsed and was taken by Fire Truck to University of Emmetsburg Hospital due to "a gastric incident."

     "She always over-indulges at these here things," Mayor Lewats said, handing a case of beer to Captain Lighthooves.