THE DEATH COW ATTACKS

Muscatine: Melphine may be home to a horrific creature better suited to a mythological footnote than the green pastures of this community of 411 people. The creature, if it exists, is reported to have been raised by Morris McGee, a thirteen year old member of the Future Farmers of America. It seems that his father, Alphie, purchased frozen bull sperm from Schwartz-Bostunitsh Bio-Tech Laboratories of Muscatine. The now vacant offices of this corporation, not listed with the Secretary of State, were closed to public view pending an official investigation as part of the trial of Morris McGee for two brutal killings which he attributes to his two-headed flesh eating cow.

     Greg Schwartz, nowhere listed as a licensed veterinarian, is said to have delivered the sperm and impregnated the McGee cow three years ago. "I remember it seemed kind of strange. This fellow was very odd, with little round glasses and a big round face, with a funny beard like a goat's on the end of his chin. He had a cooler packed with dry ice and inside were these silver tubes. He kept the sperm in these tube-things. They had those funny red triangles on it, like you see over fall out shelters. My dad paid him, and that spring my cow give birth to a two-headed calf." Morris testified at his preliminary hearing.

     The agricultural oddity, Morris said, was only remarkable in that it had two-heads, otherwise it seemed in every way to be a fine specimen of animal. The boy expected it to die soon after birth, like the other two-headed calves he'd seen in museums. But it lived and grew b. Morris took very good care of the cow with four unblinking eyes and confesses he became quite fond of it. He even entered it in a 4H show the next year at the State Fair. But scarely had he unloaded the double skulled beast from its trailer, when the outraged governing board rescinded his membership in the organization. Directly after, he was ordered by the judges to leave the fair grounds at once. "That really hurt me, and I think it hurt the calf's feelings too. We didn't even get to see the Butter Cow that year." Morris complained.

     Morris claims that on his father's advice, he told people the strange dual-craniumed calf died that winter. Meanwhile, he continued to raise the animal in secret. Three years later, his father was bitten by the left head of the cow. A peculiar virulent infection immediatly began devouring his leg. A local physician, Doctor Humphrey, was summoned to the farm. According to Morris, after examining the festering leg and deep bite wound, Humphrey announced that only amputation could save Alphie's life. He then asked the injury's cause. When he learned that it came from a cow, he was incredulous. He insisted, against the protests of the boy and his father, on seeing the animal responsible.

     Reluctantly, Morris took the doctor to the barn and the country physician recoiled in terror from the unnatural beast tethered to the stall. From the depths of its multiple stomachs, came a horrible stereo mooing. The unblinking gaze of the creature caused the doctor to drop his bag and flee. The old man raced to the house to grab the farmer's shotgun, and fought his way past young Morris to exterminate this living blasphemy of nature. He fired several shells point blank into the bovine beast, which fell to its knees and groaned heavily.

     Breathing a sigh of relief, the doctor set the gun down and bent to retrieve his medical bag. As he stooped forward, the cow lurched up with unexpected speed, wholly unharmed by the shotgun blasts, and each maw clamped down on a shoulder, crushing bone and tearing sinew on either side of the doctor's neck. His head wobbled pitifully, as his eyes rolled back and he dropped to the ground dead.

     Not wanting to arouse any suspicion among the locals, and terrified now by the persistant dual mooings in the barn, the boy and his father elected to hide the doctor's body, and do the surgery themselves. Under Alphie's careful instructions, the boy securely tied his father to the kitchen table. Fetching a hack saw from the tool shed, he started sawing through his father's diseased leg. The man's screams must have exid the hellish creature in the barn, for it broke loose and with both heads bellowing, stormed the house in search of more fresh blood. While the beast savaged his helpless father in a terrible fury, the boy escaped on his mini-bike and told the incredible story to the police.

     Morris was taken to the hospital for psychiatric evaluation, but because the Chief had remembered the 4H incident from his own son's descriptions of a two-headed calf, a patrol car was dispatched to the McGee farm. The doctor's body still lay in the barn, and the door to the house had been kicked to splinters. The kitchen looked like an operating theatre run by the occupants of a mad house. Alphie's chewed remains and half-amputated leg were found scattered around the room. Blood covered everything. Fighting nausea, the patrolman radioed back that it looked like both bodies were partially eaten and that the blood-soaked tracks of a large cloven-hoofed beast led across a pleasant meadow into some woods.

     Officially, Morris was charged with the double murders of his father and Dr. Humphrey. The prosecuting attorney's office is characterizing the slayings as ritual in nature and intend to use Morris' collection of certain roll-playing game books as evidence of his connection to black magic and occult practises. He remains in custody, awaiting trial. All attempts to locate Greg Schwartz have been unsuccessful, and no other reports of bizzarre, mal-formed cows have come to light. Harrison Phipps, McGee's court appointed lawyer, requests that any sightings of the Death Cow-especially those corroborated with physical evidence such as photographs, video tape, or the carcass of the animal itself-be sent ASAP to his office at the Muscatine County Courthouse.