Study Shows Passive Heroine Addiction

     Increases Among Vampires

Johnson: An Iowa City organization known as "Re-Vamp", announced the results today of a study it co-authored with the New York-based Centers for Research on Youth in Psycho-Therapy (CRYPT) on the phenomena of passive heroine addiction among 16-25 year olds claiming to be vampires. According to the study, which comes on the heels of The National Institute of Health's report in August on increased heroine use in this country, evidence bly points to an increased number of vampires who have become addicted to heroine by sucking blood of addicts.

     Re-Vamp is a club interested in promulgating revisionist notions about vampires as heroes and role models and not as those cursed by God.

     At the sparsely attended press conference, Re-Vamp Spokesperson Rita Dorn explained the study.

     "These aren't junkies shooting up in an alley. The population involved in this study are for the most part well-to-do college aged adult vampires who go off with some friends to a bar and meet people for a bite to eat. Through our research, we've learned that vampires are highly sensitive people with exceedingly complex metabolisms. In the medical data compiled by CRYPT, it only takes 1/112th the amount of heroine to get a vampire hooked than it does an average person. It also makes it as difficult to get them off the drug."

     Dorn lamented other hurtles facing vampires in modern society, including the ongoing threat of AIDS, and widely used anti-depressants.

     "Just what are vampires supposed to do to stay alive, nowadays? A friend of mine who was Of The Way met a girl at a party and sucked her blood in a bathroom. How was he to know she was suffering from depression and taking medication? He spent two weeks bouncing around the psych ward getting half a gram of Prozac out of his system. What was he supposed to do? Ask her, 'Pardon me, are you currently using any medication or drugs apart from aspirin, such as-' and then spit out the list of 1200 known pharmaceuticals that vampires have shown reactions to in clinical settings?"

     Asked how her club and other organizations, such as CRYPT, are working to solve such problems, Dorn acknowledges that it's an uphill battle.

     "We're not getting any help from mainstream health organizations, except for a few psychiatric research groups. So we need to get the word out to 'know your bite site'; to know who's sharing their life giving blood with you. The down side is that you can only have so many friends and they will get tired of being routinely tapped."

     Dorn also said that there are 78 vampires currently living in the Iowa City area; 23 are members of Re-Vamp.