Man Killed By Giant Get-Well Card

Polk: The little town of Enterprise was suddenly plunged into mourning last Thursday when local millionaire philanthropist Jason Quigley was killed when a billboard-sized get well card put up in his honor suddenly collapsed and fell on top of him. Quigley, 72, had recently undergone hip replacement surgery at University of Emmetsburg Hospitals and had returned to Enterprise in a wheelchair to attend the unveiling of the billboard by the town council.

     Eyewitness accounts state that just after the tarp was pulled off the forty foot wide get-well card sitting atop a 50 foot steel tower, it began vibrating and twisting slowly from side to side by as much as 45 degrees. The town's Mayor, Jim Hortz, had just begun officially presenting the giant card when the tower buckled and fell. In the rush to clear the dais, the assembled dignitaries forgot their honored guest.

     "They all ran for cover. There was only a second before it hit, but not one of them, the Mayor or town council, made any attempt to push Jason out of the way!" said Enterprise resident Doug Ferguson.

     Police and rescue personnel already at the scene were quick to pull Quigley from the wreckage only to discover his had been killed by the impact. Funeral services have yet to be announced.

     Meanwhile, an investigation into the cause of the tower's collapse has produced some curious findings. As winds were calm that day, there is no explanation for the slow twisting and vibration of the billboard. Structural engineers from the University of Emmetsburg examining sections of steel from the tower have found no evidence of material fatigue or tampering, but have discovered that the remains are magnetized abnormally.

     "Ususally, objects that exert magnetic forces have two opposite poles," states Dr. Elliot J. Sky of the University of Emmetsburg Materials Research Institute. "There is a south pole and north pole. These fragments have magnetic fields that are closer to being east and west poles; the normal polarity has wandered drastically out of phase."

     Asked what could cause such a phasic shift, Dr. Sky shrugs and smiles, "Momentary interference from another dimension? I just don't know."