IOWA'S SENSUOUS CZECH VISIONARY,
SISTER KASI

Dear Kasi,

My boyfriend can't stop smoking. We've tried everything, salting his butts, the patch, positive reinforcements, negative reinforcements, hypnotism---even spanking and physical restraints! Although this has opened up new areas of sexual exploration, he is still puffing away everychance he gets. Is there a magical way to get him to stop?

     Coughing While Panting in Muscatine

     Dear Coughing,

Here is a charm to make someone stop smoking. First, from a pack of cigarettes that he is currently using, take the remaining cigarettes and cut them up. Put the pieces back in the pack. Write incantations on it and then hide it in a secret place. Be careful: this same charm can also cause impotence.

     Oh, Sister, Help!

My wife and I teach at a small college in Zoar. She recently fell in with a group of witches and became an occultist. At first everything was great, she started wearing all this sexy black stuff and makeup. She was reading all about sex magik and we were doing all kinds of carnal explorations. The only thing is, the deeper into it she gets, the less she smiles. We used to have a lot of fun together, but now she is so dark and brooding that she is no fun to be around. Are all people in the black arts so completely humorless?

Not Much Fun in Podebrad

     Dear Podebrad,

If she has become such a glowering party poop, it may be too late for you. I know the type, after a while the only thing they think they can smile at or laugh about is cruelty, and then you have a sterotype from a Stephen King movie. I would suggest you try to talk to her about it and ask her how she feels about Crowley. If she is new to the Craft she probably will be eager to find out what you have to say about him and would regard his opinions on the matter with more respect than yours, as a layperson. The Beast himself

must have had a similar quandry, because this is what he had to say about it: "The common defect of all mystical systems...is that there has been no place for Laughter."

     Hey, hot magic babe,

I'm a young magician and have been trying out some spells on the chickerdoodles in this sports bar I go to. My biggest aim in life if to have the jocks completely mystified as I walk out of the bar with their girlfriends on my arms. So far, I haven't gotten laid, but I am confident magic is the way to get what I want...I just don't think I'm doing it right. Can you help?

Nerd's Revenge in Iowa City

     Dear Vengeful Nerd,

Can I help? I doubt it. First of all, as someone who values my free will, I am generally not happy about "magicians" who want to find ways to control the will of others. Whether you tie her up or bind her with spells, what is the difference? I only tell you this because I am certain that if you ever do a successful love charm in your sports bar you won't make it to the door before certain physical reprisals are visited upon your person. What is probably going wrong with your spells is that you are concentrating on the outcome rather than the object of desire. Seduction spells, more than any other, are subject to the deleterious effects of "lusting for results". To be effective at all, one must remain detached as much as possible from the outcome. For someone as desperate as you are to get laid, this may be all but impossible. Lastly, any magician with sufficient power to make love charms actually work will likely have enough personal charisma that they would have no shortage of potential sex partners anyway. Might I suggest the left hand way?

     Email your letters to Sister Kasi at:

EXODUS2218@aol.com