IOWA'S SENSUOUS CZECH VISIONARY,
SISTER KASI

Dear Sister,

I have a wizard character I play in a midevil fantasy role playing game, and he has a lot of neat powers. I want to be able to do the things he does, but in real life. Is there a way to become invisible so I can just walk right into the girls' locker room and watch Sue Powell take a shower?

     All too Solid in Grinell

     Dear Solid,

Simply done indeed. Wear a thumb cover made from the ear of a black cat boiled in the milk of a black cow. This will give very good results, but don't be dismayed if you can still see yourself in the mirror. You put it on and you will be invisible. Honest. You might want to wear the feathers of an owl on a necklace hanging to the middle of your back, though, just for luck.

     Dear Kasi,

I love a man but he does not love me. What can I do to win his love? As many stars are in the sky, that is the number of days I shall love him. And I can't stand the idea of that many days will I be alone in the world, bereft of the bath of life.

Bring me Penguin Dust in Monticello

     Dear Penguin Dust,

As you watch the sky, wait for a falling star. When you see it say the following:

     It is not the star which falls

But my lover; may he fall

Till he come by day or night

Or at midnight

To Beat at my door

Nor may he live nor stand,

Till he knocks at my door!

     What you do with him when you get him inside is up to you. Good luck, and I hope you don't find out you would have been better off counting stars after you get what you want from them.

     Dear Sister,

I have been blue and need an elixir which will lift my spirits and soothe my mind. What magic potion can you recommend that that will drive the clouds away and make me free from sorrow?

Gloomy Gus in Glidden

     Dear Gus,

Try this mixture, called Old Pepper:

Good rye, 1 jigger; good bourbon, 1 jigger; the juice of 2/3's of a lemon; 1 jigger St. John's Wort extract, 1/2 tsp. of Worcestershire, 3 drops Tobasco, 1/2 tsp. of chili sauce. Frappe hard and serve in any sort of fireproof glass. This potion is not so magical as medicinal and is not meant for children!

This ought to get you thinking about living again, my boy!