NOTES FROM COOPER'S TAVERN

Johnson: My name is Joe Cooper. Third Eye Over Iowa asked if I have ever heard any tales of the paranormal in my ten-year stint as owner and bartender at Cooper's Tavern on Hagenback Street here in Iowa City. That, my friends, is an understatement. Booze loosens the lips, and when we're talking about ghosts and witches and werewolves and whatnot, this is especially true. There are things people have seen or heard about that they'd never willingly bring up while sober, but once they tie one on---well, that's another story, entirely.

     A lot of folks come in here every day, and these regulars are the backbone of my business. Most of the good stories I hear are from them, not only because of frequency, but because they are very comfortable telling me things. For example, there is Catherine, a sixty-something lady who comes in nearly every day at 4:00 to have three gin martinis.

     One recent story she told me concerns herself. Apparently, when she was just a baby, she fell violently ill, though to this day she does not know what from. Her mother was a devout Christian who distrusted doctors, believing that God would heal all in his own time. Yet, for some reason, she felt Catherine suffered under some sort of enchantment and so resorted to an old folk remedy to determine if this was the case. She took a handful of oak apples, or the cysts that form on oak trees due to infestation of wasp larvae, and put them in a bowl of water under Catherine's bassinet. They sank, which, according to the remedy, indicated bewitchment. Her mother called her priest, and a few days after the priest blessed and doused Catherine with holy water, she was cured.

     I still think the doctor would have been faster.

     Then there's good old Phil. Phil received his Masters in History from Georg von Podebrad College and then settled in Iowa City for a life of what he calls "hanging out." I don't think he's held any job for more than two years in the last twenty that he's lived here, but that's the way he seems to like it. I think Phil's weak attention span and sharp mind makes his lifestyle unavoidable.

     At any rate, Phil claims that there were crop circles in Iowa until the late-1800s. He's read plenty of accounts of the phenomenon, and they were very similar to the circles so common in Britain and in other parts of the world today. I asked him why the crop circles stopped forming and haven't been seen in this part of the country since. He said it was because the pranksters finally discovered girls. Then he went on to talk about Nixon and I got bored.

     Another interesting character is Stan Hope. Stan likes to sit on his barstool drinking Guinness for at least five hours at a time, and although he never shows signs of staggering or slurred speech, after ten beers he can get very loud. Plus, when he's really loaded, he makes some of the greatest claims I've ever heard:

         "You know the aliens? How they're supposed to have this smooth gray skin and big black eyes? And how they are kind of telepathic? WELL THE ALIENS WERE HERE BEFORE THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO AND THEY CRASHED AND STAYED ON EARTH! AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE CALL THEM NOW? DOLPHINS!"

         Like most of the things Stan says when he's shouting, he probably doesn't believe it. But who knows? I've got plenty more stories and with luck they'll let me tell you a few more in this magazine. I haven't even gotten to the time Phil's uncle shot a Sasquatch....