Spontaneous Combustion Case

     Linked To Exploding Fart

Cedar: Police discovered the yet smoldering body of Dr. Lev Zukov in his office the night of December 3. Police and firefighters arrived on the scene shortly after 11 PM when an alarm went off indicating a fire in Dr. Zukov's offices. The Georg von Podebrad Professor of Political Science and expert on Strategic Nuclear Arms and Global Politics had just returned to office from moderating a symposium on the smuggling of weapons grade plutonium from former Soviet Union bloc countries. He was declared dead at the scene.

     According to the official report, the fire broke out under Zukov's chair as he sat at his desk, quickly spread over his back and engulfed his head. With no trace of incendiary devices, carelessly discarded tobacco products, or spilled alcoholic beverages, Zoar's Fire Inspector, Morton Wilcox, attributed the fire to Human Spontaneous Combustion.

     "It's as if he was just sitting there and POOF up he went. There's no indication that this guy doused himself with gasoline, say, and set fire to himself," Wilcox told a December 7 press conference. "Nor was there any sign that he had been assaulted before the fire or that someone set fire to him. We do know that the fire wasn't hot enough to set off the sprinkling system---only the smoke alarm went off.

     However, when a staff medical examiner with Cedar County Coroner's Office, Dr. Ellen Vilnev, examined Zukov's body on December 9 in more detail, she discovered extremely disturbing evidence.

     "When I examined the body, I found third and fourth degree burns on the face, head, back, and buttocks. The most severe burns were present around and inside the anus. On that basis, I decided to conduct an internal examination and found further burn injuries continuing up the rectum and descending colon. At the turn to the transverse colon, a rupture in the intestinal wall led to extensive burning of the spleen, pancreas, stomach and diaphragm. The subject died of shock and asphyxiation. Such injuries are consistent with a recent death at an English Public School where a school boy tried igniting his flatus with a match. The pathologist in that instance cited that the sphincter had not closed in time and this triggered an in-rush of air into the lower colon."

     "While I am not saying that Dr. Zukov amused himself in his office by lighting his own farts," explains Dr. Vilnev, "I am pointing out that a series of very weird actions transpired to bring about Dr. Zukov's death. It is highly likely that the police will find another individual is responsible for what happened to the professor."