IOWA'S SENSUOUS CZECH VISIONARY,
SISTER KASI

Dear Kasi,

     I have heard that burritos (of all the crazy things!) have remarkable spiritual powers. Is this true, and if so, why? Is it the exuberant (dare I say, "explosive") nature of the beans that enables a breakthrough into the magic realm? Is it the deep and abiding religious faith of the Mexican makers which provides the gateway to the divine?

     I have even heard tell of a saint-figure known as "Little Burrito" who can be petitioned through prayer and has been known to grant small favors to those in true need. Do you know the best way to access this power? (I'm hoping it has nothing to do with actually eating burritos!) Please share whatever information you may have on this subject---I'm poised at my fry pan.

     Culinarily Confused in Iowa City

     Dear Confused,

     I can only say I do not understand what good you think you will derive from accessing a power if you have no interest in its avatar. Why covet the power of the burrito if you have no desire to ingest its contents? It is all too common to covet that which we know we will be disappointed by, but must still possess in order to maintain a sense of self worth. Do not fear the burrito, if you desire it, eat it. Otherwise your possession will spoil on the shelf and you will be like the fox who receives the grapes but ties them back in the tree because fear of his own accusation that they are sour has turned him into a vegetarian.

     If you do decide to access the power of the burrito, try a little Beano so that you won't be socially embarrassed by the acquisition.

     Hey, Sister, I'm talking to you:

     Lately I've been keeping the company of a dame. While she is a fine A-1 Cajun and I have kept my bodily fluids intact and unpolluted. Even so, some strange things have been happening since I started keeping her company. First my win percentage has dropped 7%. Second, my mutuels have dropped from a par of 4.8 to 1 to a dismal 2.9 to 1. I am no longer getting the higher priced winners, and third, my exactas all run 1-3 instead of 1-2, even when I bet counter-energy horses in the place hole.

     Slappin' Sam Jackson

     Slappin' Sam,

     You should know better than to ask me about women or the ponies, that's what ruined us, remember? Ah, well, if you can't keep your hands off a bad risk gamble, I suppose I should give you some help. First of all, wash your face with dew at dawn on Beltane, or May Day. This will increase your luck throughout the year---and don't forget the cabbage ritual on New Year's Day. As for the lady....well, she is, as you suspect, a witch. She is naturally jealous of the love you have for the horses and wishes you thought of her the same way. You must be careful. I would suggest that you offer to let her ride you, and place bets on how long you can make it last. That way there is the slightest chance you will both be satisfied.

     PERSONAL TO:
Holy Sofia,

     Fifteen ghosts is a lot for one house to handle. I recommend getting in touch with professional help. Have you heard of the International Ghost Hunters Society? This is their web page address: http://www.aone.com/~starwest.

     You might find a bountiful source of assistance and advice from them. Good luck, and I hope that no further calamity befalls the residents of your abode as a result of your hauntings. I wish I could come to investigate myself, it sounds remarkable. You may not feel this way yourself, but there are those who would envy your proximity to the edge of accepted reality.

     E-mail your letters to Sister Kasi at:

     SisterKasi@aol.com