Devil Dogs Of Dubuque County

Dubuque: There are 1447 acres of land about two miles north of Dubuque that is located next to the Mississippi River, and is owned by John Deere Tractor Works. They manufactured heavy construction equipment at the site since 1946, and during the first 28 years of operation, both hazardous and non-hazardous waste was disposed of in a landfill on the north end of the site. This waste included over 3,000 tons of paint sludge and stripping solutions. John Deer Dubuque Works (JDDW) also has numerous tanks and pipelines that store and handle petroleum products and "other" liquids. Accidental releases of these liquids has been another source of contamination at the site; the most serious being the 1980 oil spill where approximately 200,000 gallons of diesel oil was lost through a ruptured pipeline. According to reports by the Iowa Department of Natural Resources (1990), contaminants in the area included lead, arsenic, and cadmium. Unofficial investigations conducted by Tesla Research Labs in 1991 also found a strange, glowing substance which at present remains unidentifiable. No direct link between JDDW and the globular glowing liquid has been established, but suspicion is rampant among the local populous.

     The northern part of Dubuque has several communities within three miles of the site. Since the discovery of the strange liquid toxin, currently labeled "Agent Xb12", there have been aberrations of nature reported by area residents. Although no harmful effects have yet been evidenced among the human population, animal life in Northern Dubuque hae displayed very aggressive behavior and attacks on children by sparrows, pigeons, squirrels, and opossum have become regular occurrences in the area. Again, officially, no direct link to Agent Xb12 has been established and we are obliged to point out that any connection drawn to JDDW at this juncture would be inadvisable and irresponsible.

     Duke Turnbull, of East Dubuque, was visiting friends last month when he first heard about the dogs. "I thought, you gotta be kidding, there's monster dogs out there on that factory's land and ain't nobody doing nothing about it? Hell, that's management for ya. These damn corporations don't give a shit about nobody."

     Fed up with the situation, Turnbull called members of his "unit" and they went on a hunt. (We point out again that Duke's conclusion of culpability was based on hearsay evidence and we do not sanction his actions or necessarily agree with his conclusions. ) The four men, armed only with illegally modified automatic weapons went out to the landfill under cover of darkness to dispose of the menace. They had been able to avoid security and made it to the site undiscovered. One of the party, Alex Crabtree, placed uncooked steaks around a 100' perimeter while the other three dug a small pit from which to ambush the dogs.

     After only an hour and a half, during which time the four men consumed two boxes of Slim Jims and a case of Rhinelander, the dogs made their appearance.

     "Duke!" shouted Alex, immediately alerting the dogs to their location, "Them damn devil dogs is here!!"

     A volley of heavy fire erupted from the pit, spraying the area and scattering the animals, none of which seemed to be hit. "God damn it! They're fucking ghosts!" decided Duke, never doubting his proficiency with illegally modified weaponry.

     "Where are they?" asked Big Jim, the junior member of the team.

     "I never saw them, are you sure they were even there?" asked Ian Norwic, who had purchased the beer at a discount in his father's store.

     "They're there....I can smell their hunger. The steaks were dead meat....these fuckers like it raw....they like it still alive....." said Duke, slamming in another clip.

     "Shit, you're drunk and full of---" Ian never finished his assessment of the dogs and Duke's intelligence. One of the dogs had clamped his jaws around the young man's neck from behind, and was doing an excellent job of severing Ian's head from his body. To his credit, Ian never did let go of his beer.

     The others began emptying round after round into the dog and, unfortunately, into Ian.

     "Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!" shouted Crabtree.

     "Kill the fucker!" shouted Big Jim.

     "Where are the rest of them???" whispered Duke.

     A tremendous baying of the hounds arose as the first of their number fell dead. The dogs scattered into the night and the four men crouched in the hole they had dug until morning. When the sun rose, there was a debate about what their course of action should be. Alex as in favor of just leaving the whole bloody mess and going back to Illinois. Big Jim wanted to take what was left of Ian back to his girlfriend so that she could give him a proper burial. Duke was the voice of reason.

     "Look, you guys. The county will get Ian, and his family can pay to get his carcass back to Illinois. Sure as shit we leave this dog here, they'll burn the body of it and cover up the evidence, then Ian will have died for nothing. Our priority is to get this animal to some non-governmental lab and have it analyzed. You two carry the fucker and I'll keep an eye out for trouble. That's an order. Now move!"

     The body of the dog was lifted and carried to the pickup truck the men had arrived in. When they got back to their side of the river, they wrapped the animal in plastic and sent it by UPS to Tesla Research Labs. At this time the full report has not been released, although sources within the lab have suggested that trace amounts of Agent Xb12 were evident in every tissue sample.

     Hats off to you, Duke, Big Jim, and Alex....you're from Illinois, but you are patriots. And to Ian, you have fallen in the cause of greater good. We who have to drink our water salute you.

     SOURCES:

     Annual Report 1990: Abandoned or Uncontrolled Hazardous Waste Disposal Sites & Hazardous Waste Remedial Fund, Iowa Department of Natural Resources, January 1, 1991, pp. 61-63.