Butter Elvis: Iowa's Butter Effigies

     "I heard about it, and wanted to see it, so I was one of the first to get here when the fair opened," said Chuck Handler, a truck driver from Anamosa. "I got a bad back, prostate trouble, and a high cholesterol level. Well, I should say I had them problems, because after just standing there and looking at the Elvis sculpted in Butter, well, I been cured. I am fit as a fiddle and don't suffer at all. I got on the CB radio and told everybody I could. I guess it went out on the Internet too and before you knew it there were people from everywhere walking, crawling, rolling in wheel chairs to see the Butter Elvis and be cured of worldly woes. It is a real Rock and Roll miracle."

     Miracles have happened and still do. For this reason, many books and articles on them have been written in more or less good faith, but often containing more fiction than fact. Is the miracle of the Butter Elvis a fact or a fanciful fiction being spread by irresponsible rumor mills?

     This article, which it is my pleasure to write for you, reviews the miracles at the State Fair. I have attempted to be precise, concise and factual to show you how abundantly marvelous is the mercy of the Butter Elvis.

     In addition to Mr. Handler's cure the following also claim miraculously cured by the Butter Elvis.

     Kathy Laptopie had her broken hand healed and became pregnant.

     Lou Bourie was blinded in the right eye by a construction site explosion at age 19. At age 42, vision was restored in the presence of the Butter Elvis.

     Mrs. Blair Cavenake suffered from chronic infection of the eyelids and had bilateral ectropion, declared incurable. She was completely healed by bowing down before the Butter Elvis and humming "Don't Be Cruel."

     Hank Bucket, a teenager who had been ill for months with a high fever and an abscess in the neck, showed no sign of improvement until in sight of the Butter Elvis. There was a complete cure and there has been no relapse.

     Justin Bouwart had been frequently ill from birth and was tone deaf. He was also dying of tuberculoses at the time he viewed the Butter Elvis. He went into convulsions in the presence of the pasteurized King, and when the fits subsided, he was whole and well.

     Mady Rizzen, wheelchair bound for 30 years, rose and danced the twist with ease.

     Mary Moreow had an inflammatory disease of the eyes. When shown a picture of the Butter Elvis, her vision cleared and she has had no further discomfort.

     Pierre de Ruddy had his leg crushed in a freak accident at a winery. Doctors had advised amputation on several occasions, but he left his crutches behind him in front of the Butter Elvis.

     Liz Sorbet was born without a left arm. It grew back in front of the Butter Elvis.

     Eugene Mable was cured of peritonitis and Delirium Tremens.

     Eilene Jilkents achieved spontaneous orgasm and thereafter has enjoyed sexual relations with her husband to a previously unknown degree.

     Joe Harvey has since grown a full head of hair.

     Amy Chagin had ears badly packed with wax, but her hearing restored completely!

     Clement Trover learned to multiply fractions simply by looking at the Butter Elvis.

     Mary Anne Brachauser discovered to her surprise that her breast implants had become real mammary glands.

     Elisa Dobu had an embarrassing tattoo removed instantly by covering it in shame from the Butter Elvis. When she walked away, she discovered the image of herself and the devil engaging in anal intercourse had vanished from her arm!

     Frank Cavapile had severe gastro-intestinal difficulties, aggravated by the habitual ingestion of chili dogs. Since praying in front of the Butter Elvis he has had far fewer gastric eruptions and no craving for chili dogs.

     James Krabil had a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich appear in his hand from out of nowhere.

     Betty Jameson has not broken a nail since viewing the Butter Elvis.

     Esther Bachmin rose from the dead when a photo of the Butter Elvis was placed in her coffin.

     Arlene Broderson of the Zoar PTA became a Democrat.

     Jesse Newton was cured of genital lesions and impure thoughts.

     Bernard P. Cosgrove had several devils cast out by the Butter Elvis.

     Morton Philbin had a severely broken leg spontaneously healed; doctors remain puzzled at the disappearance of the steel pins used to put his limb back together.

     Walt Sansabal became a "chick magnet".

     Nagase Korehsi, a Japanese tourist was spontaneously given the ability to speak English, and discovered a green card in his wallet after doing a superb Elvis impersonation for astounded onlookers. Officials at the INS have no comment, but say the documentation is there, the card is genuine.

         A miracle, according to the Encyclopaedia Universalis, is seen as a salvic event of Revelation, and not just as a cosmic anomaly which, excepting its context in history and religion, would only be considered bizarre. The Archbishop of the Archdiocese of Dubuque was unavailable for comment, however Father Alcott of the All Saints Episcopal Church told us that "...while an event may be miraculous in reality, and before God, it is not necessarily so in the eyes of the church." The miracles of the Butter Elvis are likely to remain unsubstantiated, and unsanctioned by any of the major churches. Church leaders in Memphis, TN, however, say they are unsurprised.