Black Zeppelin Drops Booze On Righteous Bowl


Marin County, CA: In a reprise of last year's football contest between the University of Emmetsburg Peelers against Malibu Tech, this year's Righteous Bowl lurched from intercollegiate sports event to encounter with extraterrestrials to drunken brawl.

     The January 30 post-season collegiate scrimmage took place at the Marin County Municipal Stadium. Though billed as a nonalcoholic college event, the Smegmov Imperial Russian Cossack Horse Precision Drill Team performed during the game's half-time festivities before a generous crowd of 20,000 fans. The Cossack Drill Team is owned by Rasputin Smegmov and Sons of Fort Dodge, Iowa, a co-sponsor of the Righteous Bowl. Midway through the drill team's performance, several spectators reported seeing an object flying high in the sky toward the stadium.

     According to avid Peeler fan and renown Emmetsburg psychic, Omar Zoloft, the object was a huge black cigar-shaped object that made no sound but moved at an astonishing speed through the sky and vanished into a cloud right over the stadium.

     Citing the U of E Peelers' alleged abduction last year (see: University Of Emmetsburg Football Team Kidnapped?, April, 1997, Issue # 4), he climbed atop his seat and proclaimed that reptilian flesh-eating aliens were about to invade and begin their predatory reign on mankind. He was soon struck in the head by an unknown object when his warnings offended some nearby fans from a fundamentalist church paintball team. Bruised but undaunted, he stormed to the stadium announcer's booth. The Cossack Drill Team, meanwhile, continued their enthusiastic equestrian antics. At the height of their maneuvers, they pointed dramatically skyward just as the giant black hull of the airship broke through the layer of clouds and hung a scant 200-300 feet directly over the stadium.

     With attention diverted skyward, Zoloft burst into the announcer's booth, grabbed the microphone, and screamed, "Attention! Everyone: we are in mortal danger! Reptilian aliens intent on conquering the Earth are invading! They'll be in your town next! Watch the sky! Keep on watching the sky!"

     Upon hearing the announcement, spectators gazed skyward to behold the vast black ship above them. Few, however, saw the heraldic crest of a double headed eagle upon an orange circle and the word "Smegmov" emblazoned upon the airship's nose.

     John T. Chance, who attended the game with his son were sitting in the bleachers when the zeppelin appeared. "Damnedest thing I ever saw. There it were near as big as the stadium, black as an Angus steer's belly hangin' right over us. Then that idiot announced that aliens were attacking. Suddenly, folks start pushing and shoving each other, screaming 'bout aliens coming to get 'em!

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Smgemov Cossack Drill Team Leader, Vasili Lev Ivanovich just before ordering the teams' charge for the exits.
     One woman beat me with her big foam rubber U of E potato-hat to get me out of her way! I grabbed my son and we ducked aside. The finale of the 1812 overture blasted over the PA as something tapped against my head. I looked round and my son was holding a little airline bottle of Smegmov Vodka with a little plastic orange parachute danglin' from it. I asked how the hell he got hold of that when it was supposed to be an alcohol-free sports event. He pointed up at the sky. So, I look up and the whole danged sky is full of 'em! Hundreds of little vodka bottles floatin' down on little orange parachutes! Then I saw that big black ship had one of those lighted message boards that said: Smegmov Vodka Salutes The 1998 Righteous Bowl! Folks went nuts!"

     The small bottles of vodka parachuting down to the stadium excited fans to riot. Fist fights erupted as thirsty spectators struggled to capture the most bottles. A mob soon burst on to the field collecting the hundreds of mini-bottles that had landed there. Overwhelmed by the crowd, stadium security as well as Marin County Sheriff's Department Officers abandoned all attempts to keep spectators off the field. The Cossack drill team soon found themselves surrounded by the unruly mob and was forced to draw sabers and rear their mounts to frighten the booze looters away. While their charge did not injure anyone, terrified scavengers were quick to give them a wide berth. Said one man who proudly displayed his 50 bottles collected from the field, "Ten of them cossack riders came galloping at me waving their swords. I thought for second I was with Father Gapon in St. Petersburg in 1905! They rode right over me for the exits!"

     Within five minutes, the assault of miniature vodka paratroopers ended and the huge craft rose up into the sky. Spectators however, remained on the field for another half hour, delaying the start of the third quarter. Only after game officials threatened to cancel the remainder of the game did fans stagger back to their seats.

     Police reported a number of fights and minor injuries. Four people were hospitalized after falling from a twenty-foot lighting truss while trying to retrieve a trio of mini-bottles. The twenty-two persons arrested by Marin County Sheriff's Deputies included Omar Zoloft who was charged with a number of misdemeanors, including criminal trespass and incitement to riot.

     And The U of E Peelers skinned the Malibu Tech Dudes, 27-6.

     Smegmov Vodka spokesperson, Yuri Merriam, meanwhile, dismissed allegations that his company's promotional exploit bore any responsibility for the calamity. "We didn't panic the crowd with invading aliens. Those fans who mobbed the playing field knew that they were violating stadium rules."

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Smegmov Vodka's Black Zepplin: The Spirit Of The Steppes soars away from the Righteous Bowl.
     Asked if he felt the black zeppelin posed a danger great as the ill-famed Hindenburg, Merriam replied that the helium filled dirigible utilized the most advanced engineering control and safety features in its design.

     "The Righteous Bowl provided the best opportunity to for us to unveil The Spirit Of The Steppes. She is a 556 foot ridged airship equipped with eight Aerodyne ZR-2000 Spanker II jet engines. With her hi-tensile titanium skin and her computer controlled superstructure, she can safely achieve a top speed of 400 mph. She can hover over an area by means of vectorable baffles attached to her engines and deliver advertising using her more than 180,000 multicolor computer controlled lights."

     The Spirit, he went on to say, was originally made by Aerodyne Labs of Emmetsburg, IA as an avionics reconnaissance platform prototype for the U.S. Air Force but following the collapse of the Soviet Union, the project fell victim to Congressional defense budget cutbacks. When Smegmov offered to buy the airship, Aerodyne reconfigured her for civilian use.

     "The Spirit Of The Steppes," Merriam promised, "will make many more public appearances promoting our fine product in the future."

    





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