Koppelmeister Rally Surmounts Sewer Back-Up

submitted by Col. Gaetano Ardenti

Palo Alto: Despite a busted sewer main spewing gallons of muck into the Admiral Wilhelm Canaris Ballroom on the campus of The University of Emmetsburg (an occuarance I am certain was more than mere cooincidence) and efforts by the U of E Lecture commitee to cancel the event, Supreme Leader of the Greater Maple Avenue Reich, Werner Koppelmeister pushed straight ahead with his plans to address university students and staff and held his gubernatorial campaign rally on Kelly Field adjacent to the Dave Ellis Women's Resident Hall. Koppelmeister's entrancing speech enthralled all under the glorious spring time sun. Here are some excerpts.

Koppelme.jpg
Koppelmeister For Governor Commitee Poster
    

     Iowans! To you falls a great and noble purpose! YOU are the guardians of the Iowan Folk, YOU are the MODERN HEROES! Heroes of the stripe of the Men of Freedom! And what does Iowa owe her militias? In a word...everything! Think back to the shame of the negotiated peace of the Honey War. A vast 10 mile stretch along our southern border handed over to Missouri---a "Missouri Corridor". All our honey, sweet and succulent, handed over to them without a single shot fired! When I read in my history book how we as a people were stabbed in the back by that shameful peace of 1839, I dug my burning head into my desk and fought to find tears to shed. Was it all in vain?

     In the next war with Missouri, there will be no prisoners, and no outside Federal Authority to chip away at our borders. Elbow Room! Everybody needs a little elbow room, and by picking up once again our battle cry of "Death to the Pukes!" we will swarm like bees over them and hit them harder than they can imagine. But we must ask ourselves, how? How could this have happened? All this stems from the Duluthian. All this is a carefully engineered Minnesotan plot. They sought at every turn to block our advance to statehood. We do battle today with a Minnesotan conspiracy which will only end in the spilling of blood. Our destiny, the destiny of the Iowan Folk, is to one day take up arms and defeat the poisoners of the Heartland, Missouri and Minnesota---and any other state with an "M" in it blocking our way!

     The whole of Missouri has traditionally been Iowan, just as Minnesota has always been the enemy of Iowa. I assure my followers that neither arms, might, nor the passing of time can vanquish Iowa. Des Moines shall remain Iowan, Missouri will be Iowan again, and the Midwest will never be Minnesotan! In this conflict we will fight to the last Iowa schoolgirl! And if it should come down to it, then Minnesota's greatest defeat will come at Keo Way. For this single reason, I and my party have always strongly supported the building of the Avenue of the Saints as an expedient means of transporting Iowa Militias on our inexorable march north and south. One hundred and fifty years has never seen the Iowan folk more resolved or closely united than today! In the Elections, Iowans will bestow on us many seats and I will sleep in the governor's mansion. We will cause a mighty disruption. We come to the state house not to serve orderly government, but to dismantle it! We support a program of catastrophe because catastrophe will bring an end to the system! I have no wish to turn Iowa into a military barracks, but by God I will not suffer one Iowan being humiliated at the hands of these Missouri Savages. It won't be the Honey War all over again! Oh no, this time it will be a fight to the finish, without mercy, and to the extreme limit!

     It does not impress me to hear that Brandstad calls me a gangster. I can not feel insulted by the current governor; I consider him insane. Across the state there is a hue and cry for leadership! I am no wet finger in the wind and the people know it! The leader does not conform to the masses, but acts in accordance with his mission. The leader is entirely that which he does and does entirely that which he has to do: the Will of God. Carry out the will of God and unlock your destiny! Elect me your next Governor!

    

     It went on like that for about six hours. I have abbreviated for space concerns, but I understand he will be publishing his memoirs soon, so you can find the full text there.

     For those of you unfamiliar with "the Honey War" try your local library or check out this web address for background information: http://www.iowa-counties.com/historical/honeywar.shtml





Back to this Issue Contents
5sigil1.jpg