Iowanism Soars At Pagan Festival

POLK: On June 21st a particularly virulent outbreak of "Iowanism" provided a series of spectacles virtually unprecedented. This fermented brew of state pride, Germanism, militarism, Nordicism, and neo-paganism which underlies the Koppelmeister bid for the Governor's seat was the theme of a campaign rally which sparked the lighting of Summer Solstice Fires throughout the state in support of Iowa Pride, Werner Koppelmeister, and the so-called Greater Maple Avenue Reich.

     On Saturday and Sunday nights at a Des Moines campground hundreds of children assembled at a "youth sport festival" which ended in neo-pagan folk dances before bon fires and oratorical outbursts from Reich spokesmen which aroused the assembled into something like a frenzy.

     At the rally Karl Weaver, Reich Librarian and President of the Greater Maple Avenue's Literary Chamber, announced that an anonymous donor from Hopkins Grove had contributed $10,000 toward the establishment of an annual prize for the best production of Iowan Folk Art, claiming that this award would soon rival the Nobel Prize in this field. They are petitioning the Iowa State Universities to distribute the prize, but as yet have had no success, it is rumored that the less well known University of Emmetsburg is a an option should the major state universities decline to participate. Weaver proclaimed that mass media and a hedonistic epoch of technology was creating a focus on the "outlands" and was creating a "twilight of culture" in Iowa. This Iowa culture, and the whole Iowa folk was going to be saved by Koppelmeister and his plans for the heartland of our nation. "Iowans," he shouted above the din of the crowd, "can be counted upon to do the right thing, and save themselves by following Koppelmeister! We have a long and proud tradition in this state of loving freedom, loving honor, and following strong family values exemplified by the conduct of a moral government! Because of our agrarian heritage Iowans have a deep sense of communion with nature and an understanding of the heroic ideal which permeates our very bones!"

     It was at that point, amid thunderous applause, that Koppelmeister took the stand. A partial text of his speech follows:

     "People of Iowa, the Iowan Folk, we are united in our blood, our heritage, our history, and today we are united in our purpose! We must revive the notion of the shining plows of our ancestors and dig once more deep furrows in the earth from which will grow our new nation! If those dogs who criticize from their soft easy chairs in the outlands---those scum for whom milk comes in a carton and not in a cow---we shall give them no notice! If they say Iowanism is a cult, let them! We must make the most of it! When on such a place of the old agricultural cults as this solstice fires were lighted, so do we too now gather and it is a sacred act. Here and now we rediscover the voice of our blood.

     "Our opponents call our forefathers, who came from across the sea to this promised land and carved from the wilderness a paradise, heathen. I have no time for the chattering of quarrelsome clerics! It is far better that we demonstrate how to make in God's free nature the unity of our people than to permit a denominational quarrel to drive our people apart! To me, you, the Iowa folk are not individual Catholics, Protestants, atheist, or agnostic! You are FARMERS! No church has been built so great or cathedral so beautiful that it could eclipse the beauty and glory of God found in the sprouting of a field in the spring! No clergyman has faith mightier than that of the farmer, or even the smallest gardener! Is it not better to know the changes of the season, to read the soil and memorize the patterns of the weather than to have forgotten stale passages of catechism?

     "When people cease to have faith, churches are futile. Decisive is not faith in this or that dogma, but rather faith in a state's future, which is not contrary to God, for how can this faith based on agriculture, stewardship with the land, kinship to the very seasons created by God be contrary to his Will? The Almighty has created our people and our state that they make their place on this earth and feed the world.

     By believing in me, in our purpose, in the future of Iowa you are demonstrating your faith and devotion to the Almighty in the purest of ways!

     "We do not permit ourselves to be fascinated by disbelief, or revealed miracles, for there never has happened a greater miracle than in our time. The resurrection of the Iowan folk. I hereby declare this campground a holy place, and from this holy ground I proclaim loud enough for all to hear it, we are come to stay because we alone possess the intelligence. Courage, and determination to solve the great problems facing Iowa today."

     Following the speech, vendors did a brisk business in cotton candy and Nietzche Lager Beer.