LOCAL "PSYCHIC" DENOUNCES COLLEAGUE'S

     PUBLIC ACCESS TV PROGRAM
Palo Alto: Michael Notredame, Emmetsburg's other renowned "psychic", in a press conference denounced the City of Emmetsburg's recent decision to allow Omar Zoloft to begin cablecasting of his Psychic Predictions show, Omar Predicts, calling it a "waste of the taxpayers' dollars and the viewers' intelligence".

     "Zoloft belongs on TV, alright," said Notredame. "Doing infomercials for the terminally inept right next to Jerry Springer's Dog-Faced Boy Gay Christmas Special."

     When asked to comment further, Notredame responded, "The idiot started that alien invasion scare at last year's Righteous Bowl and caused a riot. Then, in one of his most 'famous' predictions, he claimed to see a giant ocean liner involved in a collision with some large mass, and sink with an appalling loss of life."

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Self-styled "True Seer and Conduit of Universal Wisdom", Michael Notredame scryes the foam in his daily beaker of Guinness
     "The evening of this prediction, he and a group of others, myself included, happened to be sitting at the main bar of McNammara's Band. The Cubs game was rained out so were watching an old movie, which just so happened to A Night To Remember, about the Titanic.

     "When I confronted him with this, he made some lame excuse about his 'inner force' being accidentally tuned to the past instead of the future.

     "I said 'yeah, the past of this afternoon's TV Guide listing."

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Emmetsburg's "Only" Psychic: Omar Zoloft peers into the Unknowable using an authentic Egyptian Princess' bust.
      The feud between Notredame and Zoloft has been going on for some time, ever since 1991, when Zoloft predicted publicly that crisis preceeding the Persian Gulf War would be resolved peacefully by the outside intervention of "extraterrestrial forces".

     Says Notredame, "Zoloft was partially right. Those cruise missiles did help resolve the conflict."

     In response, Zoloft has accused Notredame of getting his predictions from not just the foam in his pint glass of Guinness.

     Says Zoloft, "if Notredame predicts that he's going to have a hangover from all that Guinness he uses to make his oracles, than that's the only time you can believe him with 100% certainty. I've personally challenged him to help me solve the Phantom Wanker case at the U of E Library, and the mishaps that continue to cause the cancellation of events at the Admiral Wilhelm Canaris Ballroom here at the University, but he keeps begging off, saying the external signs and oracles are not yet propitious!"
     Zoloft has gone on to issue Notredame a personal challenge to appear on his live call-in show, where both will field questions on psychic phenomena and the future from callers and a live studio audience. The date has not yet been set.

     "You name the time," replied Notredame. "You name the place. I'll be there. You just have your TV Guide ready."

     It has been reported at press time that controversial Jesus Christ re-enactor Mortichi Krabbel will act as mediator for the show, whose producers insist will be the most highly watched program in State Public Access history. Said one, who refused to have his name used, went so far as to say that "This'll make those pretensious PATV clowns in Iowa City look like the rankest of rank beginers".





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