Town Fears Paisley menace

Washington: Eineken Labs, an independent chemical plant just outside of Pottsville, has a problem. The problem started last Wednesday, when two thirds of the north wall of this concrete building suddenly turned...paisley. Yes, that's right, paisley. Every aspect of this particular quadrant of Eineken Labs is in the color and shapes of a design that is very much the standard of pop-art and fashion of the sixties. And Jon Harvey, General Manager of this experimental pharmaceutical firm, says the situation is only going to get worse.

     "I don't know how many people out there are acquainted with psychokinesis---the ability to psychically change something or someone from a distance. We're working on a few things. Experimenting. Sometimes an experiment can go...well it can, you know, misfire. It would appear that here we have a classic misfire. A colorful one at that. The only thing is...we don't know exactly how to stop this particular misfire. You see, we try anything. It's through experimentation that a lot of today's wonder drugs even exist. Here, there was an attempt to develop a new way of altering the molecular arrangement of a rhinovirus antigen. This was unexpected. I mean---completely."

     Many who pass by Eineken to and from work, find the 'new design' stimulating, if not somewhat strange and...tacky.

     "I don't know whether to laugh or wind my watch. It's just so outrageous!" laughs Jeff Brine, a local farmer. "When Eineken opened their doors in 1966, they promised the community that there would not be any out-of-control, wild experiments. They've been pretty quiet---up to now, anyway."

     Says Carolyn Heisley, who runs the local flower shop, "It's just nutty. But also sort of scary. I mean if this is the result of an experiment gone awry, what's next? Naugahyde poodles?"

     Bart Billingsley is not reaaly very amused either. "This is serious. Some think it's funny. It's not. This is a bad sign. A very bad sign."

     Harvey is still worried, as the experiment seems to be continuing, no matter what Eineken does.

     "The labs in sections A and C are completely paisley. And just last night our office got the 'make-over'. Even the staplers are paisley. I mean, you have to look at these things to believe it. The psychic we were working with has been too stunned to do a thing since the first accident. So we don't know what to do. Neither does she. She has never tried anything like this before. So we're at a loss. We just hope the sidewalk doesn't change, or the national guard may have to be called in."

     While some in the community are alarmed by this, most seem to be taking it in stride. According to the mayor, Wiley Cossing. "It's serious, but I'm not worried. I mean paisley is an awful design but, at least they're not dumping toxic chemicals into the groundwater. If it gets worse and starts hitting main street well, then, we'll start worrying. As long as it's contained at the lab, I'm happy."

     Harvey claims that though the situation seems bad , "...It could stop at anytime. The colors on the north wall are already fading a little and the true color of the cement is bleeding through. It is probably temporary. It is just a question of how temporary."

     Until the paisley problem is solved, Eineken Labs will continue to sport their pop colors for all to see. Or maybe they will move into the world high fashion. Ralph Lauren where are you?