Emmetsburg's Only Psychic:

     Omar Zoloft's Zodiac Predictions!

Aries: You are a rash, insensitive bastard who will soon be dragged from his bed in the dead of night and beaten by four tall dark and angry women. Note their military issue boots: you'll need a new nose.

     A spouse acknowledges your discomfort over breakfast.

     Taurus: You are a free-spirited creative individual eager to push the cultural envelope to explore your personal style. But you're also stingy, vindictive, and due to numerous failed sexual liaisons, you are jittery and strangely obsessed with earthworms. Meanwhile, the black lipstick, generous coats of mascara, and bondage ornaments aren't working and they make you look fat. A freak accident at a piercing parlor will leave your lips riveted together.

     A taunting family member will cause you pain.

     Gemini: You are an incontinent, malodorous, spotty complected crone wearing a deteriorating highly flammable white rayon wedding gown living a stale, bitter life alone in a big house because a certain Army Colonel jilted you at the altar in Honolulu in 1971.

     A young boy in short pants wielding a lighted match will fire your imagination.

     Cancer: You are a deeply sensitive caring and thoughtful individual who will likely become a cherished public figure despite the fact that you never shut up about yourself on the cell phone in the car.

     A bridge abutment will suddenly end an argument.

     Leo: The stuff you've been mixing up as Irish Coffee is paint solvent.

     Heed more medical advice.

     Virgo: Avoid riding in boats, cars, or planes with anyone associated with a politically powerful Catholic Irish-American Family from New England. And remember if you hold them like that long enough, they'll stay that way.

     Libra: The fact that the scantily clad curvaceous blonde was a respected and published theorist on Human Sexuality may prove mitigating but this will not explain your wearing a clear plastic poncho and singing a 14th century brawl in counter tenor voice.

     Your ideas strike a chord during business meeting.

     Scorpio: Take comfort in that it wasn't your fault! They were busy yacking about themselves on their darn cell phone when they slammed into the bridge abutment. Consider yourself lucky you survived...especially since so few of the other drivers did...and considering how drunk you were...and how fast you were going...what with the cops chasing you...and your never having driven a stolen fuel truck before.

     Sagittarius: You are a deeply sensitive caring and thoughtful individual who will likely become a cherished public figure despite a penchant for deviant sexual practises that will ultimately lead to your hellish downward spiral into drug addiction and alcoholism...or you'll marry the first thing you fall in love with in Highschool and spend the rest of your pathetic miserable life kicking yourself while scrubbing baby bottles and ashtrays in some dusty dingy diner.

     An antique handgun plays a major role.

     Capricorn: You know who you are. Pray.

     Aquarius: Ouch! Man-what were you thinking?

     A friend urges you to positively visualize reconstructive surgery.

     Pisces: Keep things in their proper perspective. Before too long, things will line up just like the hairs in a rifle scope.

     A sudden job dismissal will shoot you into the national spotlight.

     Elvis: (August 16 through August 16)

     You have a gift for special vision; you see a great many things that other people cannot. You also can write with your feet on the walls and are allowed outside once a day but only if you don't make a fuss over your medication. And it's a good thing they never found the tunnel with all those other bodies inside.

     Forgotten silverware may lead to freedom.