IOWA'S SENSUOUS CZECH VISIONARY,
SISTER KASI

Dear Sister Kasi,

     Last year I began using a common incantation that was supposed to drive away ill omens and bad spirits. My luck improved considerably and I am now a wealthy man seeking public office. However, in mid-April, I began having certain unnatural desires to couple with household appliances. I noticed this the morning I caught myself caressing the toaster, running my fingers along the edge of its warm, yearning slots. This passion grew and I'm desperate to avoid any public appearances near laundromats. But, my campaign manager has unwittingly arranged special media events at certain large appliance manufacturing plants in this state, and the labor vote is crucial to my campaign!

     I am in a spinning cycle of agitation! On one hand lies my political ambition and my vision for this country's great future! On the other, the chance to fulfill this wild, maddening desire to roughly twist a virgin selector knob, push a shyly beckoning button, or probe the depths of a chest freezer's compressor-driven delights! Should my passion become known, I will be financially and politically broken.

     What have I done? Did I mis-utter the incantation? Was a moon phase inauspicious? Have I offended some spectral agent? Help me before I surrender to the chromium plated thrill controls of my Jezebel dishwasher!!

     Seeking Permanent Re-press in Boone

     Dear Re-press,

     I tire of amateurs seeking be secretive and frugal by casting advanced spells without proper training. After succeeding with your simple good fortune chant, thinking you were a great magical talent, you tried a major ritual. Typical of your greed and sloth, you cut corners, didn't you? You used electric candles instead of the required virgin wax. You used an electric airbrush to paint the sigils and symbols on your floor. You recorded the event on video tape so that you could congratulate yourself as you relived your triumph over and over in bed. You even used an electric carving knife to ritually slay the goat.

     If the woman you desired was worth casting the spell, wasn't she worth doing it right? I'm sure your wife would have preferred to find you in bed with the baby-sitter rather than in an adulterous coupling with the toaster or the electric heater on your water bed. You want to be a politician, well start thinking of the welfare of others instead of your own needs. You are powerless to extricate yourself from this predicament, you need a qualified magician. Good luck finding one who will help you for less than what you have in your campaign fund....but then life is full of difficult choices, isn't it?

     Dear Kasi,

     My birthday is August 28th. Is there anything notable about that date?

     Virgo in Webster

     Dear Virgo,

     Yes, it is a very special day, and I suspect would make your natal chart an interesting one. The 28th is a feast day of St. Hermes, most probably a Christian version of the Greek god of magic, medicine, and occult wisdom. In 1883, the isle of Krakatoa blew up, killing 35,000 people.

     Go out and celebrate!

     Kasi, Help me!

     A young woman has fallen in love with me and I can't handle the responsibility of living up to her expectations. What can I do?

     Trembling in the face of Love

     Dear Trembling,

     It's good to see a man who won't take on more than he can handle...but then, if you can't handle the love of a woman, what kind of man are you? Ah, well, take samples of the foolish girl's hair, nails, blood and saliva, then place them in a pouch made from clothing she has worn. Burn them. As the material components are consumed, so will her love of you be destroyed.


Write to Sister Kasi in care of the publishers.