Severe Weather Postpones

     Children's Fest Four Times

Johnson: Bizarre weather has continued to plague the small town of Wyndam, disrupting and destroying decorations for its annual Children's Festival. The bad weather began when a July 11 tornado wrecked a tractor trailer loaded with adult novelty items (see: Tornado Wrecks Truck, Spills Unusual Cargo, July, 1997, vol. 4 Issue #7). Police arrested the truck's driver, Keith Harding for violating a local anti-obscenity ordinance. The county district court later dismissed the charges. Wyndam's Festival Committee, meanwhile, postponed the event to August 9 so repairs could be made to downtown.

     But on the morning of August 9, a second tornado destroyed and carried off many of the brand new decorations for the festival, including the refurbished Three Little Pigs figures. In its wake, the twister deposited a ruptured railroad tank car and seven dead cows. As skies cleared, emergency crews working to clear downed trees and powerlines discovered the wrecked tank car had spattered nearly 25,000 gallons of corn sweetener all over downtown. By the time crews brought vehicles onto the sticky scene to remove the dead cattle, the carcasses had already swollen and burst under the hot August sun.

     Efforts to clean and disinfect the area took longer than expected and despite what some Wyndam residents called a "constant stink", new decorations were constructed and the Children's Festival was slated to kick off the town's Halloween celebrations on Saturday, October 25.

     But once again, the weather intervened with an unseasonably strong snowstorm replete with thunder and pink lightning that dumped 8 inches of heavy wet snow onto the area. Those few trees that withstood the fury of the past two storms bent and shattered under the snow's weight. Once again, the children's festival was postponed until November 1, the morning after Halloween.

     Yet again, though Halloween's temperatures were in the balmy upper '50's to low '60's, another snowstorm struck that very morning of November 1, bringing slippery road conditions which forced the Festival to be postponed once again indefinitely.

     Reginald St.Clair, a local squad leader for the Iowa Men of Freedom Chapter believes he knows what's been causing the bizarre weather.

     "El Nino, my Aunt Iney! It's those government weather control satellites that's doin' it. Them New World Order Commissars at the United Nations are behind what's screwin' up our weather. Our own government has sold us out; read all about their plans on the Internet. There's codes, you know, written on the back of traffic signs that tell them UN troops where to go when the time comes. I seen 'em; they're there! 'Stu ---1 in '92' ain't just graffiti, you know. That's the actual name of the UN Special Tactical Unit and the map grid reference it's supposed to deploy to! Now I know what you're thinking---'Reg,' you say, 'that's just some kid markin' his turf; you know, so his buddies'll see it.' Uh-uh, no way José! Them UN guys have got our very own kids doin' the markings! What d'ye think all that New Age Multicultural crap is about! It's indoctrination, goddamn it! There are subversive elements in our educational system that're controlled by the UN! That's why you got towns like Iowa City where a kid can't even dress up like a witch or an injun or a hobo or devil for trick or treat! It's why our schools have got so many problems like illiteracy, hunger, homelessness and crime! The UN is trying to turn the US of A into a goddamn third world country! Make everybody equal by making 'em poor and stupid! Well, I say not here in the American Heartland, goddamn it! We gotta protect ourselves and our families!"

     Police Chief Oscar Jones takes a more abiding view. "It's a shame, you know," he comments. "Ain't never seen weather look so intent on stopping something. Downtown's ruined: the trees look like toothpicks and it still smells like a slaughter house. Even the chickadees and pigeons are avoiding their normal roosting spots because some toxic bacterial growth sprung up where the corn sweetener and cow innards splattered. But we'll plant new trees, wash-off the buildings one more time, and try to put on the Festival again this summer just cuz we love watching our kids have so much fun."