Amateur Exorcist Claims Black Helicopter Sighting

Portabello claims that aircraft similar to these forced his car into a ditch outside of Zoar.

Dr. Portabello, a noted biologist and former research fellow at Georg von Podebrad College, is best known for making other fantastic claims such as discovering "Gateway Plasma" as well as capturing part of a demon (see: Scientists Squabble Over Tissue Sample, June, 1996, vol. 3, Issue #6).

     According to Portabello, he was had just left Zoar on South Podebrad St. that Saturday afternoon when his car was buzzed by a black helicopter flying so low that it forced him off the road into the ditch. The aircraft, which was described as bearing no markings what so ever, set down on a nearby grassy knoll and disgorged four armed individuals who ran to Portabello's vehicle and dragged him out.

     "They were dressed in the old black Italian Fascist Uniforms from the 1930's, carried pistols, and even wore tarbush hats with those long tassels, too. They looked just like the Squadristri my grandfather told me about.

     "Three of them hauled me out of my car and the fourth one, he starts yelling at me in Italian, saying they've had enough of my Socialist belly-aching and that I should just accept that Fascism was going to lead the country to a great future. I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and that fascism had failed fifty years ago. He laughed at me and said I was crazy. He asked the three others who were holding me if I sounded crazy. They said yes, the poor man's deluded. Then this guy says, 'that's because he hasn't taken his medicine!' And he pulls out this little brown bottle, pops the cork, and holds my nose so I have to breath through my mouth. As soon as I open my mouth he pours in the bottle. It was castor oil. Then they let me go. I heard them laughing. I was puking when they took off. I smell like a fish cannery. I've taken eight showers today and still can't rid of the stink."

     Asked where he thought his attackers came from, Portabello says he is mystified but resolves to find out.

     "Either it was a terrible, terrible prank by someone who knew of my grandfather involved in the Italian Anti-Fascist Movement in the twenties, or it could have been an encounter with an alternative dimension. I do not know, but I plan to thoroughly investigate the area with some specialized equipment that will detect any sort of subatomic anomalies and gamma ray remnants."