Phantom Wanker Haunting U of E Library?

Palo Alto: For the past three months, University of Emmetsburg Public Safety Officials have been trying to apprehend a man seen masturbating in the LaVerne Dayle-Roberts Special Collections Library. University Public Safety reports say young women studying at night in the catacomb-like collections room have been confronted by a late-middle-aged man standing in a particular aisle "exhibiting vigorous autoerrogenous behavior". The man has made no other threatening movements, however, the instant he is seen, he inexplicably vanishes.

     Head of University Public Safety, Alan Fraser, is noticeably vexed by the ongoing mystery. "That part of Special Collections is under constant surveillance because the Library has to guard against various individuals who may vandalize or attempt to destroy some of the collections. Back in '86, some kook set fire to a whole shelf of occult stuff down there. Anyway, the video of the specific area where the incidents have occurred always shows the guy arriving in the exact same location at 10:34 PM. No other camera has ever recorded this guy in any other part of Special Collections or the rest of the Library. Hell, he's not even at the front door. Anyway, that's when he drops his pants and starts at it until he is discovered---usually within 5 minutes. As soon as that happens, he moves out of sight---then there's no sign of him. It's like he just vanishes. Even the women that discover him say that he's there one second and gone as soon as they look back. It's incredible."

     The aisle where these incidents occur holds The Westerfield Collection of Victorian Erotica, one of the world's largest collections of late 19th Century Western Pornography outside of Oxford University in England. The collection was bequeathed to the university in 1917 by Mrs. Mavis Westerfield, widow of midwestern railroad mogul, Thorton Westerfield because she "wanted to be rid of such trash as may only delight and entertain university scholars."

     However, to this day a popular campus legend persists of an English Professor who died while browsing amongst the Westerfield collection sometime in the late 1940's. According to one version of the story, the professor was discovered with his pants down about his ankles.