IOWA'S SENSUOUS CZECH VISIONARY,
SISTER KASI

Dear Sister,

     There is this bully at school who is always picking on me because I am small and wear big, thick glasses. Now he has started to take my lunch money and wants me to fight him. Is there something I can do to improve my chances of not getting killed?

     Tiny in Tabor

     Dear Tiny,

     Try this charm the day of the fight: "(Bully's Name), I will breathe on thee, three drops of blood I draw from thee. The first from thy heart, the other from thy liver, the third from thy vigorous life. By this I take all thy strength, and thou losest the strife."

     Repeat this three times, and you should come out the victor. If it doesn't work, take an acorn and stuff it with the hair of a dead person (I usually make a habit of getting a lock of hair at every funeral I attend, so I have quite a bit stored up in advance), make four holes in the sides, and draw two small chicken feathers through them so that they cross inside the acorn. Then put this charm under the victim's matress. This will cause your enemy a great mess of hurt!

     Oh, Sister!!

     I suffer from terrible migranes and they are often triggered by allergic reactions to food additives like MSG. I take some prescription and over the counter remedies, but nothing really seems to do the trick. Now there is this huge industrial mill operating on a nearby hill and the noise has made my headaches a million times worse. Are there magical cures for headaches?

     Throbbing in Montpelier

     Dear Throbbing,

     First rub your head and then wash it with hot apple cider vinegar while saying the following incantation:

     "Oh, pain in my head, the father of all evil, look upon thee now! Thou hast greatly pained me, though tormentest my head, remain not in me! Go thou, go thou, go home, whence thou Evil One, didst suck, thither, thither hasten!" I might have a suggestion regarding the plant you spoke of, which is causing no end of trouble to the folks in your area. This spell has been augmented from one designed to cause strife in a marriage, but it might just work for your purposes. Try calling a town meeting at a wooded site where you have a clear view of the mill, and gather together on April 30. Before the meeting, go to your library and find a copy of the Grimorium Verum and make a very careful study of the conjuration of demons, as such a summoning is necessary for the spell to be fully functional. Bring with you to the meeting a photograph of the mill upon which all the names of the top executives of the plant have been carefully written. Once the demon has been raised (I suggest Nebiros) have the entire group of disgruntled citizens chant their desire in unison while gazing at the plant, "Evil fortress of metalurgical fabrications, we wish you silenced, we wish you unionized, we wish you cooperative, we wish you truthful, we wish you to be good neighbors!" Then tear the photo in half and give one portion to the demon, and keep the other. The people whose names were written on the photo will be deeply divided and unable to agree on any matter until your desires are met or they one by one step over the portion of the photo you have kept.

     Dear Sister,

     I want to have a baby, but so far I haven't been able to concieve. It there a potion or poultice I can try?

     Barren in Baxter

     Dear Barren,

     If you have a quisinart and access to these materials, blend the paws of an oppossum, spider's eggs, and a ground up roasted cockroach. The entire mixture must be drunk without a break or breath. Follow soon after with vigorous intercourse with a potent male.