Jesus Barred From Redemption

Palo Alto: A professional Jesus Impersonator has been slapped with a restraining order which will keep him from coming within 1500 feet of the Grotto of the Redemption. The action comes after several complaints were lodged by tourists who were disturbed to see the long haired man acting out the various stations of the cross as well as delivering sermons they found to be "disruptive and distasteful".

     The crucifixion re-enactor, Mortichi Krabbel, is a resident of Lake View, and has been a Jesus imitator since he was a child. The adopted son of Don and Tiffany Krabbel received a strong Christian upbringing, but was also allowed to read from the so called "lost books" of the bible.

     "He seemed to really identify with the young Jesus in the book of Niccodemus," said Don Krabbel, "and little Mort loved to act out the scenes from it. It was never proven, but I honestly do think he withered a heathen boy's arm and made some clay animals that came to life. That may sound crazy if you don't have the true faith in Jesus, but it says in the bible that you can move a mountain, throw it into the ocean if you really believe, and we do."

     Fortunately for local residents and tourists alike, there aren't any mountains in Iowa, or seas to cast them into. The Grotto of the Redemption, however, is a favorite midwest attraction, to which hundreds flock every summer. The Grotto is the largest in the world and represents the largest collection of minerals and petrifaction concentrated in any one spot on Earth. The estimated geological value over $2,500,000.

     Started by Father Paul Dobberstein in 1912, the collection of ornamental rocks and gems set into concrete covered over a city block by 1954, when he died. Since his death, Father Louis Greving, has continued construction on the Grotto. The Grotto's Christmas Chapel has stones in it from every state and from every country around the world, including a 300 pound Brazilian amethyst. It's entrance sports a life-size statue of the Risen Lord. Remarkably, this statue does bear an uncanny resemblance to Mortichi Krabbel.

     Recently his harmless obsession had gotten on the nerves of Grotto visitors as Mortichi became more and more insistent that divorced men remarry their wives, that there be a redistribution of wealth, and that he be allowed to heal anyone in a group of tourists who suffered from a physical affliction. Reportedly he more than once he had to be stopped from chasing wheel chairs and bear hugging people on crutches to keep them from fleeing his "miracles." No actual cures have ever been reported.

     His re-enactments of the 14 stations of the cross became more realistic and therefore more bizarre in recent months. Each station depicts a scene from Jesus' life from when He was condemned until laid in the tomb. He would pick out those who had not been receptive to his message and hand them whips at the Third Station of the Cross. He would demand to be beaten until he fell from the weight of a rough cross he made himself from abandoned railway ties. He later took to hiring assistants to literally nail him to the beams three times a day.

     In response to the issuance of the restraining order, Mortichi had this to say, "I just do what I do to shake people up. All these assholes out there who say 'Lord Lord, see me, I am a Christian, a follower of your faith' are so full of shit. I mean, that is what Jesus got pissed off about most, man, the hypocrisy. He who hears and does not do is going to go to Hell, baby. Its that simple. Saying you're a Christian ain't no get out of hell free card. People need to know that because most churches are so caught up in being a business they don't want to tell people salvation ain't a free ride and that most of us are doomed. Especially these fucking lawyers, man, who are fucking with my freedom of speech here. Woe to you, lawyer dudes! You load up people with burdens and don't touch them yourselves....you build on the tombs of the prophets, man, and when the hammer falls, when the horn blows, there's gonna be a whole lotta smiting going on in your high class neighborhoods. Think about that on Sunday. That's what I'm trying to say, man, with this artform that I do...look at this society, man. I mean, like, I'm adopted, who knows what kind of sin brought me into the world, but my parents ain't gonna get away with it. God is gonna get them too. Read some Luke 16:18, man, or some Matthew 19:4-12. That is some hard core shit, man, and they don't teach that in churches today, or they wouldn't allow any second marriages, would they? Its all so much hypocrisy!! Well, its the same old story, man, just like for the real Jesus. I'm piping and you ain't dancing. I'm wailing and you ain't weeping. Well, I'm here to tell you people, you're a brood of fucking vipers, man, evil black poison fruit God will not allow in his heavenly basket. You say you'll fly right if you get a sign? Get hip, baby, no sign is coming, except the sign of Jonah. HE WHO HAS EARS, LET HIM HEAR, BABY!!"