Jogger Arrested For Running With Scissors


Johnson: Constable Norbert Watkins admits right off the bat that Chase is a very, very small town. With only 66 residents, the hamlet clearly lacks the shoot 'em up, fiery car-crash excitement of Iowa City some 14 miles way. That is until Mrs. Withers saw Michelle Tilly running through town with a pair of scissors.

     What happened is either a tribute to a vigilant citizenry or a warning that Big Brother grew up in a small town.

     At 9:45 AM on September 23, Michelle Tilly, a local seamstress and dress-maker well known for her beautifully crafted period wedding dresses and Civil War Re enactor's uniforms, left her home on Main St. dressed to go jogging. But when she passed Mrs. Angela Withers' house ten doors down, Mrs. Withers was able to see that Tilly was in fact carrying a pair of long, sharp dressmaker's shears. Mrs. Withers immediately telephoned her cousin Ms. Silvia Brohm who lives another six houses down. Aided by the modern convenience of Speed-Dial, news spread to every house in town (except to widow Augusta Tavener as Mrs. Withers alledges she was responsible for the hideous flower arrangement on the alter the previous Sunday at Excelsis Deo Methodist Church). The feat was accomplished in a short spate of 2 and a half minutes---an efficiency matched only by the highest intelligence gathering echelons of the Joint Chiefs of Staff at DEFCON 4. Some ninety seconds later, Mrs. Withers received confirmation that Reverend Joseph Lovejoy of the Excelsis Deo Methodist Church had jilted Tilly and she was on her way to cut off a quarter pound of revenge. Mrs. Withers then made the final decisive call that set the Wheels of Justice on their inexorable course.

     At 9:49 AM, Constable Watkins was leaning on the counter of the Get 'n' Gone deeply enmeshed in pleasantries with the blonde twenty-year old Ms. Jo-Lynn Stroudt, his ThunderMugª of coffee clenched in one hand, his Sausage Gravy filled Baguette cradled lovingly in his other, when Mrs. Whithers phone call informed him of Tilly's murderous intent. Saying he would look into the matter, Watkins squeezed himself out the door of the Get 'n' Gone and into the bone-white 1961 Ford Fairlane that has long served as his patrol cruiser.

     "By the time I got the cruiser out onto the blacktop, the suspect was only a block away. I drove past her to lull her into a false sense of security and I saw that she had something tucked into her sweat pants. I went up and turned around and cruised along next to her as she jogged. I asked her how she was doing and the like, suggested that she looked as if she had something on her mind. The suspect was very cool; she smiled and said she was fine. When I asked why she had those shears stuck into her sweat pants, she ran ahead of me."

     Where upon Constable Watkins gunned his vehicle and swerved over the curb in front of Tilly. However, Watkins' act was so sudden, he was unable to stop the car before striking an ancient maple tree. At that precise moment, the tree's owner Douglas Fletcher had been precariously perched some 12 feet above sawing through a dead limb. When the car struck the tree, Fletcher was knocked perforce out of the tree and on top of Tilly, knocking them both out cold. Watkins attempted to exit the car but trapped his portly frame between the seat and the steering wheel; a physique, added Mrs. Withers, achieved through many years of dedicated police work.

     Then Fate's hand intervened. The tree's dead branch which hung precariously above broke loose. Smashing through the windshield of the cruiser, the branch hit the column shift throwing the gear into reverse, before slamming down onto the gas pedal. The ancient cruiser suddenly sped in a hard arch across the street, throwing the helpless Constable Watkins free of his predicament into the street, and heading straight for the gas pumps of the Get 'n' Gone.

     Says Douglas Fletcher, "I was just getting to my feet wondering what happened when I caught sight of the Constable's car knock over the four gas pumps 'cross the street. Gas started pouring out of the ground and all over the back of the car. There was this real loud dull thump and the whole thing blew sky high!"

     "Who'd have thought falling on top of a woman could produce so much excitement," Fletcher adds.

     Fire fighting crews were not notified of the blaze for fifteen minutes. "Everybody was too busy talking on the phone about what they saw out their window to call 911," Mrs. Withers admitted sheepishly.

     County Emergency Services say Mrs. Augusta Tavener reported the fire.

     Meanwhile, Michelle Tilly has been charged with going with intent to commit murder, carrying a concealed weapon, and conspiracy to commit murder. Other charges are as yet pending. Constable Watkins cited Douglas Fletcher for failing to obtain a permit to prune a tree overhanging a public throughway as well as failing to secure the tree limb from causing damage. Meanwhile, the Johnson County Sheriff overseeing the case's investigation has cited Constable Watkins for reckless driving.





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