Are the Devil's Pets In God's Country?

Polk: Fans at sporting events associated with the University of Iowa have long practiced a chant involving the four letters of the state's name: "I-O-W-A!"

     However, a transplanted mystic from Seattle believes that they should be chanting four different letters: "yod-heh-vau-heh" ---the Tetragrammaton, the four Hebrew letters that make up YHWH, the ineffable name of God. Ricardo Becker believes the state is named after the Unmoved Mover Himself.

     "See, they used to think it meant beautiful land," Becker says in a staccato rush, "or at least the state's department of tourism seemed to think so. Now they say it's Dakota or Lakota or something Siouan for the drowsy ones, which is kind of funny if you spend a lot of time with Iowans. They're not a real jumpy bunch of folks, know what I mean?"

     But Becker---whose own incessant jumpiness seems to speak of an overindulgence in the coffee for which his home in the Pacific Northwest has become famous---doesn't accept either etymology. "Where we do know the word comes from is from a people, a Native American tribe who occupied the land on the arrival of the white man, the Iowas---or, the way they used to say it, the Ioways. Who knows where they came from, right? Evidence of precolumbian contact with the Americas from all over the world is piling up every day. The Lost Tribes of Israel had to get lost somewhere, didn't they? Why not right here?"

     "Think about it:" insists Becker, and then slowly intones, "ee-ow-ay, ee-aw-ay." He repeats, "Think about it."

     "The Bible says the Promised Land will be Ôa land of milk and honey,' right? Iowa is a center for dairy production, and they even fought a war with Missouri over Iowan honey. Remember, Isaac promises Jacob Ð the same guy who later becomes Israel --- that God Ôwill give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn!'"

     "What's the gematric for YHWH?" Becker suddenly demands, referring to the Qabbalistic system which translates letters to a numerical equivalent: "twenty-six."

     "What's the twenty-sixth largest state in the United States? Iowa!" But Becker, who supports himself by giving private volleyball instruction to corporate wives at a health club in an affluent West Des Moines suburb, feels that all is not right in the Promised Land. The problem?

     Pigs.

     "Pigs are the favorite animal of Satan. The Old Testament forbids the eating of pigs. When Christ drives the demon-cluster named Legion out of the Gadarene man, where do they go? Pigs. And what are there more of than people in Iowa today? Pigs!"

     Becker begins to get heated: "And it's only getting worse. Right now, corporate farm operations are starting huge multi-story industrial hog factories, creating literally cyclonic vortexes of ritual impurity all over the state. That's no accident, my friend. Someone is behind it, all right, and it isn't Old MacDonald. With an oink-oink here and an oink-oink there, Old Scratch is trying to stave off the Second Coming by fouling the altar, the state-sized holy altar which is Iowa itself."

     "Satan is directly behind the pork industry in Iowa. That's why I'm doing what I can to oppose the Pork Council, which is Satan's right hand on earth," he says, referring to his recent arrest for chaining himself naked to the Pork Council's office door with a sign reading Make "Bacon" Ð Not Bacon!!

     "Amos says that Israel shall be sifted like corn and not a grain shall be lost," Becker solemnly pronounces, "but that doesn't mean I shouldn't do my part."