The Very Last Report of Infernal,
Pestilent and Very Revolting
Book of the Damned

submitted by T. H. E. Saurus,
Professor of Cosmoliturgy, R.F.D.,
Mathuris School of Ancient Texts,
West Vomitus, Texas

West Vomitus, Texas:    It came upon me so suddenly, last night, while reaching for the last of my Ipswich tea, which had grown cold in the cup. I was, of course, doing further research into the famous "mad Spaniards", Hans and Julio Enuncio, the dreaded authors of the notorius quarto The Infernal, Pestilent and Very Revolting Book of the Damned, which from now on will be referred to as IPVRBD. Naturally, for years, I have been studying the IPVRBD, to make a thorough analysis of the writings, which strangely mimic modern English (which makes no sense since both Enuncio brothers spoke 18th century Spanish fluently and would have had no knowledge of modern English.) I have used the text many times in both of my courses; Introduction to Dread and my popular How Pluto Can Predict an Election. But now, finally, the dust is falling from my eyelids and I am seeing the Enuncio Brothers for who they were: Fakes.

     Yes, it is not a happy thought that I have dedicated myself to this strange academic pursuit only to find out that all has come to naught. Yet, in this current atmosphere of "outing" bad research, it is better that I reveal the discovery to you now, in this publication, than to have the story inevitably leak in other intellectual circles, which may not be so sympathetic. Many essays, published by other respected scholars in the school of cosmoliturgy, have based their work on my groundbreaking text "THE ENUNCIO CODE", which was in turn based on my translation of the IPVRBD.

     But now, more than I bargained for has been revealed, especially with a new code provided by Dr. Kronos from Iowa Introspection College in Iowa. This new codex has opened my untrained eye to the unmitigated sham brought about by the Enuncio Brothers; Hans the sodomite and Julio the accountant.

     Rumors of the books fallaciousness, of course, has been around for years. The great-grandchildren of the Enuncio family have always claimed that the book was written by relatives who were, in the kindest terms mercifully allowed, "duplicitous worms". The great-grand uncles Enuncio were, like most of the Spanish, great lovers. It just so happened that their greatest love was money. On March 26th 1734, in Barcelona, both Enuncios were planning on robbing the national mint, when they suddenly read about The Necronomicon, the legendary omnibus of evil, in a local paper. The book was on a national tour of Spain. The Enuncios bought tickets to see the small volume of "all evil", and couldn't help noticing the large crowds it drew in this Catholic community, as well as the large fee demanded to simply view the book. Seeing an opportunity to take advantage of the religious, marginalized and the wealthy insane, the Enuncios hatched a plot to create their own book of evil, the so-called IPVRBD.

     Despite this denunciation by the family Enuncio, many other scholars claimed the IPVRBD's sordid contents to be legitimate, and have often argued that the Enuncios, despite their intent to use the book as a cash magnet, unintentionally created real spells out of their collective imaginations, spells so effective that later the Vatican insisted the book be shut up in the vaults forever, and the Enuncios burned at the stake for heresy. Fortunately, the Enuncios escaped to North Africa from The Pope's army of assassins, only to be killed by local tribal warriors for selling sea-water as an antidote to hives.

     Now to the new codex and my findings. Naturally, there are many compendiums of evil in the world and I have studied most of them, both the fraudulent and the real. The translations available now by the new codex from Iowa reveal inaccuracies that may have misled me and others into thinking that the IVPRBD was verifiable and well-founded.

     For example, on page 26, paragraph c, the spell for getting rid of a mother-in-law, reads as follows from the original:

"Take a lock of the mother-in-law's hair and put it in a pot of boiling water. The add the eye of a newt, the tail of a lamb, and the wing of a bat. Stir for and hour, and then pour in a bowl. Then eat the broth. Your mother-in-law will die within the hour."

     The new codex reveals this to be the true translation:

"Take off an old sock, smell it, taste it, rub it around your genitals and sing softly some monstrously repetitive tune while urinating in your pants. Do this all while your mother-in-law serves dinner. Your mother-in-law will be gone within the hour."

     Revolting? Yes. Evil? Yes. But magic? Not by a long shot. Let's look at page 169, paragraph y, the spell for winning your true love's heart. First the old translation:

"While walking past your true love's door, pick a flower from the garden. Say your true love's name to the night sky 3 times. Spin around in a circle, then knock at the door where your true love lives. Within a week's time, you will both be married."

And now, from the new translation:

"While drinking and dancing at a local tavern take your clothes off and sodomize the bartender while screaming your true love's name. If your true love comes running to you, you will both marry within the week. If not, well, at least you drank, danced, and sodomized a bartender."

     While this is truly something that is reprehensible and disgusting, it has nothing to with real complexity of evil found in most apocalyptic literature, unless your idea of an apocalypse is a tequila-soaked weekend at Fire Island. It mostly depends if you see the apocalypse as a noun or an adjective. Nonetheless, the Enuncio brothers reveal their true intentions in this final proof, the spell for achieving riches. Here is the original:

"When desiring riches, take a coin and bury it in the ground by an old oak tree. In a week, come back and dig up the coin. You will find thousands of coins where one was."

And the new translation:

"When desiring riches, get a knife, threaten a life with it, and take the money home with you. Do this several times a week, at different locales, and always remember to wear a mask. You'll amass riches beyond your wildest dreams."

     Amazingly, or not so amazingly, there is not even a shred of an attempt to bring magic or the ethereal into this particular spell. The whole thing is absurd, and ample proof that the "mad Spaniards" only real concern was to develop their own fortunes, not to intellectually broaden future scholars like ourselves.

     So the final chapter is written here on the IVPRBD, now reduced to another fraudulent text like so many found in the paranormal. It is my hope that those who have may invested so much time into this manuscript can now be freed to study more important treatises regarding the unknown. As for me, it's time for another draught of Ipswich tea.    

Cheers

T.H.E. Saurus, R.F.D.





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