Endulge Your Senses with Runyan's Rendered Lard & other fine Feedlot Byproduct® Beauty Balms! We're going whole hog for your good looks!	The University of Emmetsburg regrets to announce that its New Year's Eve Party is Canceled. Adm. Wilhelm Canaris Memorial Ballroom will be closed through Jan. 23, 1998 for electrical repairs.	Advanced Networks & United Systems have merged to form Professional Computer Networking Experts, Zoar, Iowa We're Behind You!
Worried by Nannies who can't tell the Infant from the Rattle? Know where your child is all the time with Durable 54 Gallon ALL-STEEL American-Built Oil Drums! Secure-A-Kid Systems, LLC also offers the easy maintenance & peace of mind for larger familes caring for older relatives with its new Containerization Warehousing Package. Contact your local Dealer Today ...because Family Matters!	SPASM The hi-fiber bacon-flavored sports-drink and semiconductor solvent with: prostaglandin, diphenhydramine, protripytline, hexaeathyltetraphosphate, & alphaprodine. Fill The Void.	TEOIGHC: The Third Eye Over Iowa Ghost Hunters' Club Guide to Haunted Iowa City

URGENTLY NEEDED!

Men Of Freedom

For more information, contact: C.A. Hotz, Zoar, IA

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Attention Vigra Binge-Users! Tired? Run Down? Overcome? Niagra The freedom to fall at last!!!	Scholastic American Distributers (S.A.Dist Inc.) Wholsalers of fine instructional willow switches, wooden rulers, & corporal punishment legal guides.	Yummy Chum Chewing Tobacco The Fisherman's Chaw of Adventure minty scrod * menthol haddock Ultra Rich In Omega 3
Attention Hotsy Coed Babes! Wealthy University of Emmetsburg Alumnus seeks scrog-pal under pretext of being Executive Secretary of my philanthropic foundation! Applicants must not be too bright but look totally BODACIOUS in evening wear & swimwear & no-wear! Hell, I might even hire two of ya! Apply Directly: William T. Trausi, Chairman, The Trausi Foundation International	The University of Emmetsburg regrets to announce the cancellation of its spring production of Fictional Episodes In The Life of A German Corporal due to toxic mildew in the Adm. Willhelm Canaris Ballroom.	The Georg von Podebrad College Branch of the UFO Citizens' Research & Advisory Project (UFOCRAP) will hold a rally to preserve the "Arendt's Folly" Site in Mt. Pleasant on May 1, 1999. Contact Amber Kirchner: AmbKir@GVP.EDU

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Learn the Ways of Ecstacy in The Foxhole of Passion!

The Camo-Sutra:

The Soldier's Guide To Love & Intimacy On The Battle-Field!

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Bright smiles and tear-drop eyes
Hide a special surprise...

The perfect gift that says exactly how you feel.

PRECIOUS MURDERS collectable figurines make special occaisions, like weddings, graduations, or triple bypass surgery even more memorable. Scultped from the distal ends of seasoned human femurs by master craftsman, Bert T. Brae, these little homicidal rascals will be treasured keepsakes for years to come.

Available at Fine Stores in Select Areas only.
Check with your Friendly Local PRECIOUS MURDERS Dealer.

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Buy Beer for Vernon:
The National Campaign!

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Let Me Entertain Your Child's Next Party!

Mortichi Krabble: Professional Jesus Re-Enactor

Vivid & Moving Recreations of Our Lord's Passion
Available for Birthdays, Weddings, Smokers, Bris, & Bar/Bas Mitzvahs!

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